Part 1: Burn in hell you son of a bitch...
Isn't this the perfect description of our line of thought when someone hurts us? When our partner decides to end our relationship for whatever reason? Don't you just hate it when you are truly and madly in love with someone, and then suddenly out of the blue, while you busy having your first smoke for the day, he tells you that it's over?
They say there are various stages a person goes through when in shock, and while I accept this as being accurate, I think all of these stages are the after-effects of an over-ruling emotion - PAIN!
I've written an article from the viewpoint of the dumper, and as fate would have it, two months later I'm in the fortunate (or not-so-fortunate) position, to write from the perspective of the dumpee. Yes guys, I was dumped.
Not only dumped, but humiliated, betrayed and deceived. The guy that swept me off my feet with his charm, innocence, sense of humour and wit, didn't think twice before leaving me for his, in my humble opinion, sordid ex.
As can be expected, the shock turned my whole world around, and took me on an emotional rollercoaster that lead me to extreme behavior not even I knew I was capable of. One second I would be in tears, the next in unsurpassed fury, making threatening phone calls, sending insulting messages and hostile emails. I even went as far as to resigning as columnist for Lustralboy.com.
The main objective I have as columnist is to share my most private thoughts and experiences, but after this break-up, I came to the horrid conclusion that the gay guys of the world could in no way be helped. I was of the opinion that men should be left to their own demise, and that they'll never change, no matter how many articles I write. I gave up. I did, in no uncertain terms, not want to try and help anyone ever again.
Until one day, about a week and a half into my erratic behavior, when I realized that it's exactly these experiences that made me become a columnist in the first place. I came to the realization that I'm not the first, nor the last person that has to deal with being a dumpee. And that I should write a very personal article on how I believe we should deal with being dumped. That very moment I started making notes of my emotions, behavior, thoughts and feelings. And today I am here to share these notes with you, in the hope of just maybe, somehow, somewhere, when you least expect it, I might help someone.
Now before I begin, I should just mention that this might not be your exact experience, for everyone deals with this kind of thing in different ways. This is merely my uneducated take on things as a recently dumped gay guy.
WEEK ONE TO TWO
Okay so the regrettable words have been said. The confession has been made. The truth was revealed. Whatever the reason for the break-up, I believe the same emotion take hold, sorrow. You find yourself in a suffocating death grip of running tears and absolute agony. You are in complete disbelief of what has happened, and you have no idea how to deal with the information you have received.
You cry for days, and just about anything can upset you to a point of uncontrollable weeping. You can literally feel your heart beating outside of your body and every inch of your being is in excruciating pain. You don't want to talk to anyone and you don't have the energy to even get out of bed.
This stage is perfectly, yet comically, illustrated in the film Bridget Jones' Dairies, where Renée Zellweger sits in her apartment with a tub of ice-cream, singing along to the song of Celine Dion, "All by myself". This scene was so well written, that it has the ability to make you cry and laugh simultaneously, and every time you feel sad about what has happened, thinking of this scene, should instantaneously make you feel slightly less depressed.
Now there are a couple of things you can do to make it through this time of need.
First and foremost, something you should avoid by all means possible is to make contact.
Where your ex is concerned, you should disappear from the face of God’s green earth. No good can come of sending a message or making that call. You will not be able to persuade him to change his mind. You will not be able to hurt him or make him feel guilty. There’s not a hope in hell that your message, email or call, would change anything about what has happened.
The painful reason for this is basically because he does not give a rat’s ass.
He left you because he doesn't want to be with you. It most probably has taken a helluva lot of courage, timing, planning and practising on his part, to break the news to you. To say to you what can be considered to be one of the most difficult things to say: "It's over..."
There is no doubt in my mind that by breaking all forms or levels of communication with him, the very second he tells you to "hit the road, Jack", you will have taken the power back.
No matter how big of a heartless dick he is, by doing this you will raise a very important question in the mind of the dumper: "Did I mean that little to him?" By doing the opposite, you will in some way provide him with a sick sense of satisfaction. This will make him feel like the king of the world - or at the very least YOUR world.
This is the last thing you want to do, isn't it? No matter how hard it is, never, and I mean never, let him know how you really feel. Which brings me to my next word of advice?
Reach out to your friends.
That's one of the things they’re there for. But be incredibly careful to whom you reach out. The saying: "Misery loves company", truly applies.
If you tell your sad and sobbing story to anyone with ears, you will most probably experience the same as I did. Someone I trusted and shared my feelings with, turned around one day and say to me: "No wonder (insert name here) left you, you pushed him away..." These words hurt jut about the same as the break-up itself, and any progress you've made, however little, will shatter right in front of your eyes.
It's said that any person has only five or less true and committed friends.
You're the only one who knows who these friends are, and take my word for it; they’re the only ones that should know about your inner pain.
Where everyone else is concerned, you should be perfectly fine, happy, and if you can muster the strength, relieved to be rid of your ex. They shouldn't even know who dumped whom.
Part Two of Wynand's emotional rollercoaster will be along in two weeks.
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